For Immediate Release
Date: Jun 18th, 2012
Contact: Dr. John Thompson
I Had an Uncle…
I recently had a dream and in that dream I was a member of a very large family. All of my close cousins lived in a very beautiful shire. We were a patriarchal clan and we were being provided for by a very wise and generous uncle. Uncle lived in the capitol and from there he could look after the interests of all the districts. Like any large family, some of the cousins were Very OK (VOK) some were Doing OK (DOK) many were Just OK (JOK) and some were Not Doing Well (NDW). We had long ago devised a system that allowed all the OK’s to help the NDWs. The OK’s would send part of our good fortune to our uncle and he would give us back more than we sent him. Now that’s a pretty good deal. Many years ago uncle used to provide cheese, milk and food supplies to the NDW cousins, but he decided it was easier to provide stamps that would allow the cousins to buy just about anything that resembled food. This made the NDW’s happier and it also made the cousins from outside the shire that made Little Debbie Cakes and Mountain Dew very, very happy.
Somehow in my dream I had become the Chief Cousin of the Shire and my job was now to keep all the cousins happy. This is where it started to get strange. My NDW cousins had always had problems with their teeth, but it now seemed to be getting worse. Uncle had provided us with a bag of coins to take care of their teeth, but now it was not enough. One of my cousins was in charge of NDW tooth fixing and she got to keep part of the bag of coins for running the tooth fixing program. She had reduced the number of coins she paid the tooth fixers to take care of the NDW cousins because so many now needed help and the bag of coins wasn’t big enough to take care of everyone and still pay the tooth fixers what they said they needed to do their jobs. Now the tooth fixers weren’t happy and many said they could no longer pay uncle and then also lose coins fixing teeth for the NDWs who were now also unhappy.
I told uncle that the cousins were unhappy and that I needed a larger bag of coins to fix the problem. My wise uncle told me that someone was either stealing or mishandling the coins and we needed to do a better job of tooth fixing in our shire. Uncle also told me that he was going to squeeze more out of the VOK, DOK and JOK cousins to fix another problem and that he was going to be sending a lot of the JOK cousins over to join the NDWs and I was going to have to use the same bag of coins when this happened. I didn’t think the VOK, DOK and JOK cousins were going to be too happy when they realized that now, half the shire will be supporting the other half.
Tooth problems were not the only thing going wrong. My NDW cousins were getting fatter; they were getting Type 2 diabetes and they were becoming depressed and had pain. They were now getting all types of pills to treat their depression and pain. The coins I had to use from another bag that uncle had given me were not enough to solve these problems, but I knew uncle had a plan to help. I also knew my OK cousins will be better able to help when they get uncle’s new affordable health care. I decided that I had to do something now to fix the tooth problem and do it before all the JOKs joined the NDW cousins.
Competition has always been good. I decided I would divide the bag of tooth fixing coins between four outside cousins and see who could do the best job of making both my NDW cousins with tooth problems and my tooth fixer cousins happy. I would give each of the four, a percent of the bag and they would make certain there was no waste and that everybody was happy with what I had to work with from that bag of coins. I had to do something because what I had been doing was not working and uncle was not going to be generous anymore.
I could now spell FIASCO! For some reason, this had not worked out too well and now the NDWs are saying they can’t get their teeth fixed. Little cousins have tooth aches and they have to wait for the outside cousins to say they can go to the tooth fixers for treatment. To make matters worse, the tooth fixers are screaming mad because they say the outside cousins are keeping the coins for the teeth they have already fixed. Some cousins are now writing editorials about access to care for our NDW cousins and calling for another change. Nobody was very happy before and now they are all getting mad as hell!
Thank God, this is when I woke up and realized that I am just a dentist. I have decided I am not going to read the sequels to The Hunger Games.